too arab

A guy I know told me that trying to meet your future partner at a wedding is like expecting to meet your soul mate at the local bar. You know, where everyone knows your name (and the names of your family, neighbors, grandparents, at least three generations of cousins). It seems like a good idea in theory, but rarely works in reality. Yet as we know, all the single ladies (and gentlemen) line up at these events with dreamy hopes of meeting the one. Like Obama, the parties suffer from high-expectation syndrome. Their rosy hopes are colored by a few tales that have become urban Arab myths. We hear these stories over and over (and even know a couple of these couples ourselves). Do I have to remind you that Leila met Antar at the Hamwi wedding in ‘98 and now they are married with three kids in Cleveland? No, because your mother most certainly will. The real truth about the big-party set-up is that it’s often awkward but unavoidable as long as your great-aunt has a say.

So what does the future hold for our beloved princess and her handsome FOB?

She looks at him shyly. He says “hi” and pulls the empty chair for her. She sits, he smiles. He seems normal, not like the others that she has met over the years. Like the guy who sent his mother over for tea, armed with an 8×10 framed head-shot of her precious son, in hopes she will fall in love with him. Or the guy who talked to her for an hour in her family’s living room without looking at her directly (out of respect). Or the cheesy guy who asks her to dip her finger in the coffee to sweeten it. Or the guy whose ultra-hip, botoxed mother, in a twist of tradition, asked if her hair was real or extensions.

No this FOB was soft-spoken, well-dressed, and seemed genuinely interested about her thoughts on politics, Project Runway and Asi. He asks about her education and she asks about his family. Analyzing the family is a big part of arranged marriage 2.0. You really need to know every detail (how many siblings, single or married and where they live) to understand the full scope of what you are getting into. He was from a small, well-educated family. And yes, since you must ask, he was a doctor. By the time he takes her hand as the debkeh starts, she feels that this may be “the real thing”.

If you are a PAAP reading this, put on some jeans, wipe off at least half your make-up, and ditch the designer bag. If you are looking for a normal guy, he is looking for a low-maintenance girl. All of your “extra features” will intimidate some great guys. This is unfair and reeks of double standards, but unlike your girlfriends who will admire your high-end taste, potential husbands can only think of the $$$$ on all your stuff and how they are going to pay for it. LV can wait until after the wedding!

At the end of each party, emails and phone numbers are exchanged. Doting parents watch with pride and hold their breath, almost giddy at the possibility of one more generation of untainted genes. Everyone else watches carefully to see if a true bond is made, if Facebook statuses are updated with the envy-inducing, red heart that marks the newly-engaged. If nothing happens, don’t worry you have five weddings next summer to look forward to; good luck.

But in our happily-ever-after, the princess marries the FOB. They are from two separate worlds, but they will “make it work”. As west meets east, she will teach him to like sushi and Jay-Z; he will teach her to cook his favorite dishes. She will make him cool; he will make her money. She will teach him American slang; he will speak Arabic to the kids. He gets a green card; she wins her parents’ blessing and society’s admiration. It’s a win/win situation, no?